Jacinda Ardern’s Sydney Sojourn: A Kiwi’s Guide to Aussie Life
The rumour mill in Australia has been churning, and this week it delivered a seismic event that has sent local celebrity spotters into a frenzy. News broke that former Prime Minister of New Zealand, Jacinda Ardern, is packing her bags and making a significant move across the Tasman Sea to Sydney. While the arrival of famous faces on Australian shores is hardly a novel occurrence, this particular announcement stands out because, for once, the story appears to be entirely accurate, a refreshing change from the usual celebrity sightings that often turn out to be lookalikes or mistaken identities.
Welcome to your new home, Jacinda. As a nation, we have a complicated relationship with politicians, but a deep and abiding affection for celebrities. While you’ve historically occupied the former category, your marriage to a prominent figure in the latter realm certainly adds an interesting dimension to your arrival. Let’s hope this clarifies things for everyone involved.
As an Australian by birthright, you won’t need to navigate the often-contentious citizenship test. Furthermore, your established public profile likely ensures a smooth passage through immigration, regardless of the current climate surrounding arrivals. However, on behalf of the nation’s self-appointed gatekeepers and in the spirit of friendly advice, here’s a guide to some essential Australianisms you’ll need to embrace if you plan on sticking around.
You Belong to Us Now
This might be a bit of a shock upon arrival, but the moment you stepped onto Australian soil, you became, in a sense, ours. Forget any official documentation; possession, as they say, is nine-tenths of the law. Australia has a proud history of “claiming” prominent figures who happen to have Kiwi roots. Think of Russell Crowe, Crowded House, Jane Campion, Barnaby Joyce, and the beloved Rebecca Gibney. We even claim the legacies of Phar Lap and Sir Edmund Hillary. We once considered Keith Urban ours, but after his marriage to Nicole Kidman – whom we also claim, by the way – we’ve generously allowed New Zealand to have him back. And, in a moment of magnanimity, we’ll concede Barnaby Joyce as well. The only caveat to this unwavering Australian ownership is if you decide to pursue a career in rugby league and are selected for the State of Origin series, at which point you’ll immediately become the exclusive property of Queensland.
Other Australian Possessions (That New Zealand Might Covet)
Beyond people, there are certain culinary and beverage icons that Australia firmly considers its own:
- Lamingtons
- Pavlovas
- Flat Whites
These are non-negotiable.
Mastering the Lingo: A Crucial Lexicon
To truly integrate, you’ll need to familiarise yourself with a few key terms. Prepare to replace your Kiwi vocabulary with these Australian equivalents:
- Thongs instead of Jandals.
- Buggered instead of munted.
- Esky instead of chilly bin.
- Holiday house instead of bach.
- Hiking instead of tramping.
- Awesome instead of choice.
In return for your diligent memorisation, we promise to never, ever refer to you by your actual name. Expect nicknames like “Ardo,” “Ardsy,” “Jassy,” or perhaps “J-Dog.”
Embracing the Good and the Not-So-Good
As one of us now, you’ll need to accept the good with the bad. This includes acknowledging the rather unfortunate fact that Australia hasn’t won a Bledisloe Cup series in 23 years. You also share a historical connection to the infamous underarm bowling incident in cricket. And while locals might tell you otherwise, the ski scene here simply doesn’t compare to New Zealand’s. On a brighter note, you’ve shed the burden of the haka as a pre-game intimidation tactic; now you have whatever theatrical performance Raygun is currently concocting.
Navigating the Sydney Property Market
Word on the street is you’re eyeing up Sydney suburbs like Curl Curl or Freshwater, which suggests you’re about to embark on the thrilling adventure of house hunting. Be warned: the local real estate jargon can be a minefield. Expect to pay a king’s ransom, likely in New Zealand dollars, for anything remotely close to a beach. The asking prices will begin at astronomical figures and escalate rapidly if you desire anything with a roof or a footprint larger than your daughter’s.
Essential Barbie Conversation Starters
When attending your first backyard barbecue, particularly in Sydney or Melbourne, be prepared for conversations revolving around three core topics: real estate, private schools, and renovations. If you haven’t yet settled on a house or school, arm yourself with a reciprocating saw and strategically weave the phrase “that bloody builder” into as many sentences as possible. Bonus points will be awarded if you can subtly imply the builder was last seen fleeing back to Christchurch.
The IQ Test of Traffic Queues
Your move has been labelled as symptomatic of New Zealand’s “brain drain,” with its most talented individuals seeking opportunities elsewhere. While you might have heard tales of Australia’s collective intelligence, a mere five minutes stuck in gridlock on Pittwater Road, dodging e-bike riders attempting daring overtakes on your left, should quickly dispel any notions of our nation being a bastion of intellectual prowess.
A Warm, If Slightly Cynical, Welcome
Jacinda, welcome to Australia. You may find that your beloved Central Otago pinot noir carries a surprisingly hefty price tag here, and you’ll likely find yourself haemorrhaging money on tolls if you wish to visit your compatriots in Bondi. However, as your Kiwi brethren would likely say, it’ll be “sweet as, bro.”
