For too long, a insidious form of domestic abuse has operated in the shadows, leaving countless Australian women without adequate legal recognition for the profound psychological and emotional torment they endure. This “invisible” reality is coercive control. While New South Wales, Queensland, and South Australia have taken significant steps by criminalising this behaviour, other states and territories are still grappling with its definition and the implementation of standalone offences.
A new series is dedicated to unpacking the warning signs, the devastating impact, and the crucial legal shifts that are finally bringing this manipulative behaviour into the light. This article offers a personal perspective on the lived experience of coercive control.
The Words That Haunt: “But He Never Hit Me”
These are words that, even now, feel difficult to utter. As the Assistant Minister for Social Services and the Prevention of Family Violence, I am privy to a daily stream of harrowing stories detailing unimaginable cruelty. These are tales that embed themselves deeply, prompting introspection. How did my own experiences measure up?
Yet, the more I delve into the complexities of violence, the more I recognise my own journey as that of a victim-survivor. This realisation compels me to share my story, a narrative that may resonate with more people than we often acknowledge.
Violence, it turns out, is not solely defined by physical assault. It often begins insidiously, escalating through subtle manipulations, dismissals, and the imposition of seemingly minor rules that gradually morph into unyielding diktats. It frequently commences with individuals who test boundaries, precisely because they understand that coercion leaves no visible marks. They operate under the flawed belief that such control doesn’t truly constitute violence. This is how the refrain, “But I never hit her,” becomes a shield.
The experiences I recount here stem from a past relationship.
- My partner systematically restricted my contact with family and friends, preventing visits and imposing severe consequences if I dared to see them or if they visited me.
- Financial control was a key tactic. All bank accounts were held solely in his name, severely limiting my financial autonomy and agency.
- On occasions, if I ventured out, he would retaliate by locking me out of our home.
- Acts of sabotage, such as throwing away meals or prolonged periods of silent treatment (lasting weeks), were employed to isolate me within my own home. This was emotional pain weaponised with deliberate and systematic intent.
Living on Eggshells: The Psychological Landscape
The constant state of hyper-vigilance was exhausting. I lived on eggshells, meticulously attuned to his tone, his posture, even the subtle shifts in the distance of his voice. My days were consumed by the relentless effort to keep him “happy,” as if managing his emotional state was an integral part of my responsibilities. Home, which should have been a sanctuary, transformed into a tactical environment where survival depended on anticipating his moods.
At times, he would wake me in the dead of night, denying me sleep, framing it as a punishment I “deserved.” This is the insidious nature of coercive control: it meticulously convinces the victim that they are the problem. It instills the belief that one must constantly learn from perceived mistakes, often mistakes that are so subtle they are almost imperceptible.
But individuals are not lessons to be learned. I was not a “bad” person; I was simply a person deserving of love and kindness.
The Aftermath: Leaving is Not the End
When I finally managed to leave, the ordeal did not magically cease. In fact, leaving often serves to escalate the violence. While I will not detail every aspect of this difficult period, I will say this: I was fortunate. I had a strong support network of family and friends, people who stood by me. Eventually, my life began to feel safe again.
Years later, I look back with a profound sense of sadness for my younger self, who was embarrassed, deeply hurt, and burdened by self-blame. I wish I had recognised his behaviour as violence much sooner. Today, the patterns are starkly clear. I see how many women and children continue to navigate this slow, dangerous descent. I observe how perpetrators of violence systematically push boundaries, test reactions, and escalate control, often long before any physical harm materialises.
Coercive Control: A Form of Violence
Coercive control is, unequivocally, violence. It systematically erodes confidence, dismantles trust, obliterates safety, and distorts one’s very sense of reality. For numerous women and children, it represents a perilous prelude to further danger.
Therefore, we cannot afford to minimise its impact, nor can we make excuses for the behaviour of perpetrators. We must maintain the momentum of our efforts to combat it.
Australians are now more aware than ever of the multifaceted nature of violence. While significant progress has been made, there remains a considerable distance to travel.
The Albanese Labor Government is committed to building upon the substantial actions already undertaken, including an investment of over $4.4 billion dedicated to responding to violence when it occurs, preventing it before it starts, intervening to halt its escalation, and supporting the healing process for survivors.
This comprehensive approach includes crucial work with men and boys. Violence is not exclusively a women’s issue; it is fundamentally a problem of men’s behaviour. There is a vast potential for men to contribute significantly to prevention efforts.
For instance, research consistently highlights that a positive father or father figure is one of the most potent protective factors against young men perpetuating violence themselves. I implore men to demonstrate daily, through their actions, that genuine strength lies in love and kindness. Let us collectively ensure our homes are safe spaces and that we serve as the positive role models our children deserve.
Furthermore, we must equip children with the understanding to recognise when they are being harmed or when they may be at risk of harming others. This necessitates ensuring that children who witness or experience violence are fully acknowledged as victim-survivors in their own right. The evidence is clear: young victim-survivors are more likely to experience or perpetrate violence later in life.
Tackling New Frontiers of Abuse
We are also actively confronting emerging forms of abuse. Recent initiatives have focused on strengthening our response to tech-facilitated abuse, as women are increasingly being stalked and coerced through their vehicles, personal devices, and even smart home appliances like pet feeders. Perpetrators are now capable of draining bank accounts with a mere click, and young women are subjected to profound trauma as their images are sexualised and disseminated online. Violence is evolving, and our responses must evolve in tandem.
This month, alongside Ministers Mulino and Plibersek, I announced a public consultation aimed at preventing family violence perpetrators from accessing their victims’ superannuation after their death. This underscores the pervasive nature of violence, which is enabled across all societal aspects and systems, demanding a comprehensive and multi-pronged response.
We have also made the Leaving Violence Payment a permanent fixture, a vital lifeline that I wish had been available to my younger self.
Breaking the Silence: A Call for Recognition
A younger version of me was silenced and subdued by her experiences, convinced that endurance was her only recourse. I share my story now with the fervent hope that more women will recognise their experiences as valid, real, and deserving of unwavering support.
I want more men to understand that what are often dismissed as “moods” or “mistakes” are, in reality, violent behaviours. The journey towards ending violence begins with accountability.
And I want every Australian to understand this fundamental truth: we cannot eradicate violence in all its forms unless we confront it at its earliest stages, intervene proactively, and commit to sustained prevention efforts. This commitment must extend beyond symbolic gestures, like International Women’s Day, and permeate our actions every single day.
As part of an ongoing series, the complexities of coercive control are being explored, aiming to raise awareness of its subtle warning signs, the often-overlooked patterns of behaviour, and the profound impact these have on the lives of Australian women.
If you or someone you know requires expert assistance, please reach out to 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service. In cases of immediate danger, please call 000.
RizeUp Australia is our chosen charity partner for this series. This nationwide organisation works alongside victim-survivors of domestic and family violence, providing practical, life-changing support as they rebuild safety and stability. You can donate here to help create safe homes and new beginnings.
